i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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