have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
