I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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