and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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