When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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