THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
