This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
