when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
