Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
