my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
