He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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