I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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