His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
