I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
