think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
