Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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