I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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