So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
