Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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