the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
