yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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