My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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