Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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