I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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