she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
