I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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