i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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