There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
