his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
