I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
