8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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