mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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