at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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