he thought i was a dude.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
