I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
