I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
