dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
