I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
