i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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