I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
