so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
