508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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