I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
