just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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