I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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