I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
