Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
