I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
