I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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