i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
